March 2020
You have never been conceived or given a chance, but I know you exist somewhere; I prayed for you all my life. I would have given anything to see you, and you would have had my big eyes or, even better, my big nose. I do not think I will ever see you in this life, but I know you are waiting for me in Heaven. I believed that God did not give me you because I was unacceptable or allowed myself to become a being that God never intended me to be. Now I am more than I ever thought I could be, all by the grace and mercy of my Higher power; I am too old to have you. I am still building myself, and my biological clock will expire when I am ready. Maybe I deserve it because your mama lost her moral compass somewhere along the way. I hurt many people who loved me, and I disrespected my Higher Power by disrespecting His creation. ME.
I harmed my temple by filling it with toxins and poison, and I destroyed my mental state to numb myself and isolate myself from the world. I threw away the gifts my Higher Power freely gave me, yet he did not give up on me. So maybe not having you is not a punishment; perhaps, not having you was a gift from God. This world can be a very malice dwelling, and although I may have capable of enduring it, I am not strong enough to see you survive it. I would not want to see your innocence ripped away from you as it did mine. I cannot even fathom having you come home every day crying because you were teased and bullied like I was. Most of all, I single-handedly sabotaged my life for 17 years, but to drag you into that lifestyle and have you watch your mother be a shell of a person would have hurt me to no end. Mariam, I wasn’t all bad; I went to school and graduated with an economics degree, but I never pursued that career because of drugs. Instead, I became a certified nursing assistant and helped the elderly. I loved them and treated them with compassion. Still, I lost my position because of using and became a surgical technologist. I was the eyes and ears of the sedated patient. Still, I lost that, too; I used it during surgeries and could have killed the patients I was supposed to protect. I punched the charge nurse because I was high; I lost opportunities to do great things because I lost myself. I always seemed to find ways to destroy my initial intentions, which were pure, by giving in to my addiction. But today, oh Mariam, please look down occasionally and see how your mother is doing.
My actions match my intentions. I am soaring and have a relationship with God for the first time. I am working so hard to deserve the right to be your mom! So today, I am grateful you are enjoying the perfect life in heaven; fly, baby girl, keep spreading your wings and wait for me because I am looking forward to walking into heaven and hearing the word “Mama” come out of your mouth.
Romans 8:26 “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”
My beloved, xoxo!
Olivia